It’s just hair

Said NO ONE EVER that was going through a cancer treatment (at least I assume)

The typical comments I’ve got when I told someone I’d lose my hair and the impulse comment back “at least it’s just hair, it will grow back”

Big picture, YES – it is ‘just hair’ but that sucks to hear because if it was ‘just hair’ why don’t more women shave their head ‘just for fun’ or even men.(Power to those that do – too each is own) but NO, it’s more than ‘just hair’….Losing ones hair is losing and grieving part of their identity, my face, what I notice when I look into the mirror, how my kids see me, the normal ness of my life and that my cancer is realer when my hair is gone. Not that it wasn’t real enough before, it already took my eye and other parts of me I wish I had back but it is more than just hair, it will always be more than hair.

But my hair needs to go – I was awaiting for when I’d be ready, not that I would ever be ready but the time felt right. I had just completed my first round of chemo and Dr K recommended I do it sooner than later before my immune system was too weak OR wait until the end but waiting could come with what I saw as more emotional downsides.

So last Wed after 1 round of chemo and before my 2nd – Jamie shaved my head. We tried to have some fun with it but honestly the in between was harder than just seeing the full buzz cut. We cried, we laughed, processed and smiled and tried to focus on the bigger picture. My shaving my head/losing my hair is much bigger than me. My OM friend said she was so happy to lose her hair because it meant she was able to be in this trial, it was for Carla our dear friend no longer with us (who I miss so much) – its for the hope I may have to live cancer free…and help others in their fight.

So despite the tears, grief and sadness – I will try and focus on the bigger ‘we’ – all fighting this horrible disease and for us to have hope. I feel so fortunate to be accepted into this TIL trial, a trial so many others would love to be in.

So, today it’s ‘just hair’ as I lay in my hospital bed for an unknown amount of days still. When I get out and in public will be another story but I managed my eye, I will figure out how to manage this too emotionally.

I grieve and am saddened by what this cancer continues to take from me and my kids, But if it keeps giving me so much more in return – I’ll keep going down this path.

Next steps: To keep rolling with it. I have chemo # 6 today, #7 tomorrow and then TIL infusion on 2/14. So far, extreme fatigue and nausea has got the best of me but I am ok and managing well. Missing my kids like crazy and so blessed for those looking after my family.

Cheers to today, Cheers to tomorrow, Cheers to the bigger WE. Cheers to the amazing research teams seeking world changing treatments. Cheers to HOPE.

Love your newest bald friend,

Stage IV fighter and thriver.

FUOM