Finding me and Happy 4th, my fav holiday!

It’s been an interesting journey since my TIL infusion in February 2023. I keep waiting to be ‘me again’ but have been told by so many including my therapist, acupuncturist, and a close friend that has experienced her own cancer journey that I will never be that old me pre TIL. I have been given a second chance at life and using words like ‘I should’ ‘I would’ should be removed from my thought process. No matter a life changing event or not – we are all changing daily and should never feel the need to be or do what we’ve always done but grow and find new ways to be a better versions of ourself.

Some of this may be to TMI so read at your own risk but I write for myself and to document my journey to celebrate each milestone. I also write to relate and empathize to those I never quite appreciated or truly understood before.

In February, I was in fight don’t die mode and the only focus was surviving and getting home to my family and friends. No time for fear, no time for anxiety only battle mode. Although February was the most challenging physically and mentally of my life, I’d do it all over again if needed for the chance of real HOPE.

In March, I was home and mainly sleeping and recovering. Walking from my bed to the bathroom was exhausting and felt beyond grateful for our friends that brought meals, snacks, fresh fruit and love and support to my family daily. Besides the extreme fatigue, the other possible side effects were mild.

I also returned to UPMC (Pittsburgh) for scans, research labs and clinic visit and received the amazing news of stability.

End of March and April I thought I was doing really good physically and mentally and moving in the right direction. Celebrating my hair was starting to grow back and enjoying being around others.

The end of April and into May I was fully assimilating back into society, not wanting to miss out but I am not really sure who or where my place was. My body was so out of wack – physically and mentally. Here I thought I was on the mend, turning corners and improving my fatigue but I was reverted back down. It’s hard when Connelly (my daughter) says she doesn’t know me some days and I am a different person. Am I different because I am always around (not working and more present) Am I different because my body is so off balance? Not sure how I was different in the moment but then I was slowing identifying I was not acting like a person I liked. In public probably not noticeable but at home around those I loved most – I was not my best self and knew I needed help.

I found a therapist (thank you Melissa for your guidance and recommendations in this field), made an appt for acupuncture (thank you Katie), and worked really closely with my PCP, OBGYN, and Dr K and team to get my body balanced to be a happier nicer person. Experiencing menopause like symptoms (night sweats, hot flashes, irritated easily, loss of sleep, moody, you name it) was really rough – I am only 40 and not ready to experience all of that but now I have true appreciation for women that have gone through menopause. A single hot flash is a legit stop you in your tracks like feeling and mine were non stop. I also found, I was more anxious about things that never impacted or worried me before – smallest stupidest things and I was just really blah.

Paul and I went back to UPMC the middle of May for more scans and research labs. Good news again – stable labs and research labs show the Tcells are still active in my body.

Working closely with my whole care team across the country and at home and lots of back and forth on options – we put to together a plan and then deviated a few times seeking ways for my body to start to find more alignment and becoming balanced. I also started working out again (thank you Southlands Orange Theory for your warm welcome back). My body being unbalanced was all due to chemo side effects. Because Jan 2023 was spent preparing for TIL and to be away, Feb 2023 was spent in treatment and then the spring was so fatigue and healing I didn’t think or focus on past that period in time but the post chemo side effects were legit and truly set in at this time.

Therapy served (and still does) to getting my mind working for me and not against me. The therapy along with new meds and acupuncture helped manage the post chemo side effects and getting my body balanced again – both physically and mentally.

I can’t remember where I heard or saw this quote but feel it’s so relevant to my cancer journey (or really just living in general) “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” this quote has truly helped me reach out, ask and find support so I can find me. The side effects, the body imbalance was inevitable due to my treatment and what the chemo did on my body BUT there was no reason to suffer and finding help and support was how to not to suffer.

More time has passed and now it’s July and can say I am in the best spot I’ve been all year. Not where I want to end up (still improving – that will be life long) but I’ve invested in myself. Thank you to all that have invested in me, been patient with me and supported me. I am finding and feeling more balanced now.

Tcells still alive and active in my body. Scans and more research labs the end of this month, July.

Cheers to the red, white and blue.

Cheers to all that this day means, cheers to cheap cold beer.

Now time to enjoy my favorite holiday and my family during my most favorite time of the year. I am blessed to be an American, I am blessed for my healthcare team and the options I have had along my journey, my family and friends and a beautiful place to be with those I love most being what I will always be best – a lake rat drinking cold cheap beer.

Cheers to battle mode to finding a new better version of me and every one else on their own life journey.

Cheers to our annual costume, shrimp boil party – this years theme…WIG out. My family surprised me with the theme since losing all my hair ❤️

Loving this beautiful life I call mine and those surrounded around to share it with.