Impossible decisions 

In September, a courageous melanoma friend told me she and her family had to make the impossible decision to move her to comfort and hospice care. My gut reaction was ‘NO’ keep fighting, don’t give up as the word hospice comes with such a scary and sad outcome. 

My dear friend has been through the gauntlet of hellish treatments the past several years seeking more time to love on her three girls, husband and all the joys of life YET as hard as she fought, a few days after she shared the news of hospice she was off to heaven. 

This absolutely rocked my world – rocked it because this beautiful, strong human being is no longer here BUT selfishly because this is my reality AS  I am right there behind her on this journey making these difficult decisions too. 

I have learned in my own inquiries with palliative and hospice care these are not death sentences, hospice is not giving up but a means to be supported with more services to ensure comfort and peace. 

Please don’t get me wrong – my fight is STRONG, so very strong and I am planning on many more days ahead but I must face my reality of the known, unknown. 

So what’s my current reality? After I landed myself in the ER once again – it was time to make some hard decisions. Lots more test done and specialist seen but I needed a plan to gain some strength and get my body in fighting mode again. After my pain was under control I  decided to stop my current treatment.  (immunotherapy, chemotherapy pill, etc). It has been so hard on my body it ultimately was breaking me and could eliminate me from other future treatments and trials until I was stronger. I needed out and home with my family so I left the hospital in peace to determine my next steps in time. Then this past Sunday, I awoke with my body showing signs this may be my last day. I was so scared and sad. We wrangled up the kids and had the difficult conversation as mommy might not be here soon, mommy is dying. It broke my heart saying those words to my kids but I always promised them they will always be in the know and help make decisions as a family.  Our Sunday turned into fear and tears and heart breaking conversations but also the only way we knew how to live we also found laughter and hope. That night we called in a SOS for hospice care WITH the #1 goal of going off hospice to start a new treatment plan once my team of doctors have had time to connect and learn of new options. My options are becoming so limited and really scrapping the bottom of the barrel – but we hang onto Hope. I am back to being a sewer rat. 

So I am on hospice now and finding peace in my tomorrow may not come YET, with the goal of gaining strength and healing while I await another treatment plan. 

Today I woke feeling stronger than the day before – the rollercoaster is so taxing and brings lots of confusion – Is mommy dying, will mommy awake. We are living only for tomorrow and business as usual. 

We are just being raw and honest and asking for grace in the unknown. The rollercoaster is fully operating now. 

What I ask and need: 

• Please stop saying or sending messages like “I got this and if anyone can it’s me” because that’s not true and as hard as one fights with strength, prayer and dignity the end will still come. 
• Meet me where I am. If I am sad and scared – please be sad and scared with me. 
• Be raw – it sucks and is not fair but my family is open and raw so join us in that
• Power of prayer, we ask for prayers for strength to make the difficult decisions in the days, weeks, months ahead
• Prayers for my family to have peace and be ok with and without me
• Prayers for my kids to find strength to be raw and open on their impossible feelings of the unknown and strength that no kids should ever have to face 

Love and grace with a big FU to my cancer, 

Lindsay