I’m tired.

I didn’t want to wish away the summer but I finally have my people under one roof. 

May, June, July – 

-Countless immunotherapy, liver directive treatments and doctor visits and consults in Denver, KC and Philly

-Kids sports in DE, TX, CO, AZ, AL and NY

-Averaged 5 round trips a day to the kids new high school for different camps and training

-Annual lake trip which now we can go down more often being so close 

OH AND WE moved back to Paul and I’s roots, closer to our family. 

It’s been a whirlwind but a blast. Grateful for all the love and support as we navigated this summer and our new life. 

Just as I thought we could slow down we made a final trip to Colorado to enjoy the fresh mountain air and cooler weather. We left a few Monday’s ago and on our way out I slowly started feeling weak. That’s a normal feeling as somedays I just get weak towards the end of the day and my body says it’s done. I tell Paul and the kids I am done and disappear to bed. They know just to let me go as I then wake up feeling better in the morning. I expected the same that Monday but when I woke Tuesday at our mountain house my body was too weak to walk on my own and I knew something was wrong. Paul rushed me down the mountain to the U of CO care clinic. An amazing ER for oncology patients at the hospital. I unfortunately had spent a ton of time there so knew where to go and what to expect and the care is always amazing. When I arrived my pulse ox was 75, it had to of been in the 60s at thousand feet higher altitude where we stay at our family home. Those that know pulse ox numbers – this is scary, really scary low. I instantly went on oxygen and the scans and test began. Luckily no PE, drained fluid from my lungs, all other test appeared as we expected. I left later that day on oxygen and went back to our mountain house, despite my care teams saying it wasn’t a good idea. I tried to tough it out on oxygen but it was too hard and could feel my body on overdrive so we headed back to KC after a couple days. Arriving in KC, I could finally breathe again. 

Lots more test the following week that ultimately landed me in the hospital at KU for a couple nights. Unfortunately, my immunotherapy is not working. This is super frustrating as a month ago I was considered stable. All this summer my metastasis in my chest/lungs have shifted, grown and impacting my breathing. I am quickly out of breath and have little energy – now I know why. Also, not safe to do any liver directive treatment at this time. Beyond frustrating as I was supposed to be in Philly this past week and keep killing my big liver lesion. Beyond frustrated. Beyond mad! 

So, but, and – Scared yet hopeful – 

I start a new immunotherapy. Feel like I am in the ‘Hail Mary’ phase right now but guess options are options and OPTIONS BRING HOPE. 

Now for my fav time of year – fall, football and green chili…..And for me to be frustrated with all the moms crying their kids are getting older and want to stop time during their back to school post. It’s a frustrating cancer mom feeling because I am crying because I am here on earth present to see my kids off to their first day and have friends who have died and can’t be part of it. So please be grateful to be present to see your kids off and growing older and say a little prayer for the kids whose moms or dads can’t be here. Gosh I just pray I am here next year to take another round of back to school pics. 

Accepting thoughts and prayers for stability, cooler weather and energy to participate in all life has to offer in the coming months. 

Hope and love, 

Lindsay