The kids and their friends love playing hide and seek at our house, but it’s become so competitive that we have had to outlined rules. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised I am raising competitive kids, lol. The normal crew knows the rules, but new friends always have to be briefed as – my bedroom, office and things like climbing on laundry room shelves and hiding under insulation in the basement are off limits – yes that has to be explained☹ – and as better places our discovered they tend to get added to the ‘do not hide list’. Not only do they hide but once they are found they run around like crazy chickens with their heads cut off trying to tag each other.
On Jan 28th 2019 I found and celebrated my new eye! It was a day where Paul and I cried happy tears, I smiled bigger than I had in previous months as I finally enjoyed looking in the mirror as my tumor filled eye was out and my new eye represented hope and new beginnings. I was lost trying to find the new me, but my new eye helped me be found again. Connels yelled her mom finally looks normal and Cannon and Caden wanted the prosthetic eye tricks to begin. 2019 treated us so well. The only thing hiding in our lives was the kids during their competitive game and we found so much joy in our world finally being calm and somewhat normal again.
BUT then….Jan 28th 2020 – exactly one year later something was found in my body. I told my cancer the rules of hide and seek through my prayers – where it can’t hide (but like my kids – rules are meant to be broken) I searched for everything to grasp onto as I found out my scans did not come back clean as I was so confident they would. January 28th, a small lesion was found trying to hide on the edge of my liver. This was the day I prayed would never come but it has. Although my eyes filled with tears (yes – I still produce tears in both eyes even without an actual left eye) and my heart raced faster and harder than it has for months – Paul and I searched for the good news, it’s small and there is only one and after many doctors conversing there is nothing we can do due to the small size – so we monitor and pray it stays stable. Now talk about increased scananxiety – my next scan is in April and I am already trying to find ways to breathe. AGH!
Many of my OM friends fight each day with many lesions in their liver and or brain. They live beautiful happy lives despite the fear and unknown, I will choose to do the same.
Before I walked into my oncologist on 1/28/20 I felt the best emotionally and physically I have felt in 3 years. I had found my stride these past few months. I am back exercising at almost full capacity and mentally feeling confident again. There are more days spent laughing than living in fear SO that’s how I plan to roll for the time being!
Now that this small lesion has been found I plan to watch it closely like I did when the kids were younger playing hide and seek. I acted like I didn’t see them BUT I knew they were there and any move they made I would come and attack. I plan to do the same here – let the lesion hide BUT I know where it is and once it starts to move, grow or change – I am going to tag it and make sure it has lost the game of hide and seek.
Full of gratitude for each day and sure as hell full of hope all stays stable.
Thanks to those on my journey – thanks to my tribe. Thanks for your prayers – please know they are felt.