I would consider myself a positive person but my quarterly scans change me. I am irritable, sensitive, and struggle to be at peace with everything in my life. In the past it was the full week leading up to the scan ‘scanixety’ and then a full week after my scan decompressing. It was two solid weeks of energy waste regarding something completely out of my control. BUT this go (last week) was completely different as I did not feel the negative toxins enter my body the week before. I have been so high on life in 2019 – I feel healthy and happy so I was thinking I am 2 years out and I am overcoming some of the fear and trusting my body – finally, yah! Well….I was so wrong.
The negative thoughts and toxins hit me so hard as I began my journey to the hospital and I was begging for anything to latch on to or any sign to tell me I would be ok.
Monday am was busy busy work wise (best distraction) and I then called my Uber to take me to University as Paul was meeting me there. As I jumped in the Uber my driver asked if I was going for work or fun. I said neither. She asked again, “are you going for work?” I said “no, actually some medical scans”. She said, “well that’s for fun and how can you make that fun?” In my head I was furious – I am positive but this lady is super over the top positive. Like wackado positive. She clearly has no idea what I’ve been through and how these scans could change my life.
I instantly went to FB to be distracted and FB somehow knew I needed some love and had a pic from a year ago of my college girlfriends get together. Seeing my friends faces made me know I was going to be ok. I shot a quick txt to by buddies and their instant replies made me breathe clearly.
Most of the drive, I did not engage with the Uber driver as I could not do her ‘too positive’ attitude but as we neared the hospital something hit me and I changed my lens – Why can’t I make this fun? I trust my body so the next 2 hours should be fun. I get to see my fav nurses and catch up on life and laugh. I get to lay on the table with warm blankets and no one talking to me except the machine telling me when to hold my breathe – 2 hours of relaxation.
How horrible am I, I thought – my negative toxins impacted me and I didn’t even notice until the Uber driver pointed them out. As we approached my drop off the driver piped in again, “I know your scared – I can see it in your face and feel your Aura but you have to believe your healthy and trust your body you are going to be fine,” she said. I started crying and repeated back to her. “I know”. She told me somehow and for some reason the universe brought us together today and I was going to be fine. Omg – I am such a horrible person for not embracing her the whole ride but I do believe the universe did bring her into my life to be reminded again to breathe and I will be ok.
I left the car and walked over the benches outside the cancer center. I sat down and caught my breath – repeating, I am healthy, I am healthy but I needed and began to look for a sign, some confirmation I would be ok. As I sat there I began searching for a penny. In my family when we randomly come across a penny (like a penny is not in a normal location) it means someone from heaven is looking down upon us. You never look for a penny but the penny just reveals itself in unexpected times, in unexpected places when you need it most. I searched and searched and no penny – what are the odds of a penny just sitting around my bench, that would be crazy I told myself. I did notice a paperclip and gravitated on to that. It’s kind of metal like a penny, it’s random a paper clip is just sitting there under the bench so the paper clip became my penny. I was going to be ok I told myself. I was getting back into a good Aura again.
I checked in for my scans and was brought back for my first one, the chest CT. I changed my clothes to scrubs and noticed my lucky locker (#20) was taken. What the heck – this has been my lucky locker for two years and someone took it. I go into negative mode – it’s a sign my scan is bad:-( agh…why am I doing this. I try to redirect and tell myself I am fine. The chest CT is super easy and I wait for my orbital and liver MRI. I am called back but ask to use the restroom first. What do you know – I walk in and there is a penny sitting on top of the toilet paper holder – You have to be kidding, I am back breathing again (I am going to be ok) and know my grandpa, Jordan and others that I loved and passed before are watching down on me. I am fine, I am healthy!
I head into the MRI room and the scans begins. I have done these so many times I know the compete experience in my sleep – So many pauses, so many breath holds, etc but this scan was different. There were more longer pauses and not as many breathe holds. Back to negative talk – do they see something? are the contacting the radiologist or my oncologist to ask if they should do different pictures? why is this different? When the radiology tech came in I asked why it was different and she explained new technology so it can pick up on my breathing pattern and capture what it needs naturally. She then said the breath holds are so hard for older patients as they can’t hold their breathe like some young and healthy person like me – back to a positive. She just called me healthy so I am healthy and then scan is relieving nothing except healthiness. The MRI is complete and I say good bye to one of my fav nurses before finding Paul – she is a traveling nurse and now off to CA. She extended her stay in CO as long as she could I am forever grateful as she helped me get through some pretty crappy emergency scans.
So I am off and question how and why I let my self-talk and the need to obsessively find a sign control my mind and body the past two hours. I filled my body with so many toxins, why – for something I can’t control.
The ups and downs are truly the pits but the next day day I once again got the news my scans are still clear. I was relieved and blessed as the odds are not in my favor but I continue to win and expect to win many more times.
The next morning I could not get out of bed. I should be high on life once again but I allowed so many negative toxins into my body I made myself sick – why did I let unnecessary toxins entered my body and allow them to play mind games with me. Why do I do this to myself, why do we as humans do this? The mental health game is really the worse. I try and try but this is truly a life long battle – two steps forward, one step back. My goal next round is to remember this moment and try not to repeat. I can’t let my Aura take me out of the life game – I need and will try my best to continue to believe I will be OK.
Now that I am feeling better, I share with all of you that you too will be OK, keep believing and try your best to keep those negative toxins away.
#mrscaptainron #youcantakemysightbutyoucanttakemyvision #FUOM #seriouslyFUOM